Disclaimer : I wrote this in two parts. The first half whilst I was in the midst of the mess. In a pretty dark space. And the second half when things had kinda fallen into place, and I suddenly felt like perhaps there was a path emerging.
Part of me wanted to scrap everything I’d written and come at it with a fresh perspective - but that wouldn’t have honoured the journey. And if it wasn’t for the wrangling over the last few days I would never have arrived at this point. So screw it - you can see both sides. The ugly and the wise.
Sunday morning aka The ugly -
I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been thinking and knowing that I needed to write for the last couple of weeks but it’s felt impossible to begin. Because my thoughts aren't neatly arranged. I don’t think I even have a clear point of view or perspective. I’m deep in the belly of the whale - and for the last few weeks it’s felt like I’ve been swirling in the darkness. Not knowing which way is up and feeling waves of emotion hit me like that rogue wave after you’ve duckdived what you thought to be the last wave in the set. The one that leaves you breathless and feeling like you’ve going to have to push beyond what you imagined you had capacity to deal with.
And so here I am. Sunday. Having (I think), dived under that last wave and resurfaced. Taking a deep breath and trying to steady myself again. Feeling pretty side swiped by the intensity of the last few weeks and trying to make sense of it all.
Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong - trying to make sense of it. I’ve always been someone who, by default, can fall into resistance when things get tough. I fight. It’s in my nature. I think when you’ve been through some shit you all too often find yourself pushing, striving & trying to move beyond the very thing that has shown up to teach you a vital lesson.
I’m too eager to find the solution and move on. I don’t want to sit with this uncomfortableness. But this time, I’ve had no alternative.
So what is it that has pulled me under so deep ? The thing that has thrown me around so much that I’ve flitted between anger, sadness and a really unfamiliar, bleak feeling for me of ‘what’s the point ?!’.
Well, I guess it’s a lesson that has been a long time coming. Of valuing my work. Of trying to find the balance of what it means to be a good leader. Of blending compassion, generosity & empathy with boundaries, strength & the courage to be open about when something isn’t working.
If I’m really honest I’ve struggled with this my whole career. And right now I’ve found myself in a situation that seemingly has no clear solution. If I lean too far in one direction I do so by devaluing my own work & quietening a voice inside me that is trying really hard to be heard.
And if I lean too much the other way I risk being perceived as strategic or commercial, or un-trusting of long term partnerships.
And so I’ve been pinging between these two places. Feeling deeply hurt. Feeling resentful. Watching myself fall into old stories & playing old narratives in my head. Trying my best not to react from this place but to just allow the feelings to show up and move through me.
And recognising that there has been so much noise that I’ve barely given myself the time to ask what I think should happen next. What I believe to be the right path.
I’ve lost faith in the universe. I’ve questioned myself, my actions, my very way of showing up in the world. Truth be told, I’ve kicked the shit out of myself for days on end.
Note - This is the point where I walked away from my laptop. Where I thought - What the fuck am I doing writing about this, I have nothing useful to say.
I went on to continue kicking the shit out of myself for the rest of the day. Not only for the situation I was in, but for how I was feeling about it, and then for getting to Sunday night without having resolved any of it whatsover.
And as I was winding down for the night - exhausted by the emotional rollercoaster that I’d taken myself on, I reached out to a dear friend.
Monday night aka The wise -
Now it’s important to say that over the course of the weekend I’d spoken to a bunch of incredible friends - whose words of support and encouragement and wisdom all played a vital part in this journey. But for some reason it wasn’t until Sunday night that Lucy’s words, in particular, landed.
And it felt like I could see clearly for the first time in days (weeks, to be honest).
I had this realisation that I had told myself I needed to choose between two worlds. The world that was all business - black & white, take no shit & strategic to it’s core. Or the world that was all heart - kind, generous & compassionate.
I spent the entire weekend flitting between those two spaces - and not feeling comfortable in either of them.
I was sharing this with Lucy, this vision of being a strong leader with boundaries and grace. With heart and smarts. That she reflected back to me - "but Linz, this is e-x-a-c-t-l-y who you are. This is exactly how I see you and exactly how you show up in the world. And what you are doing right now, in this moment - is testament to that."
It took me by surprise and then I realised she was right.
That I had raised the volume of everyone else’s voice so loud that I drowned out my own. I held the opinions of those I respect and care deeply about so highly that I stopped listening to my gut.
And when I finally gave it the respect it deserved it told me that actually, there is an alternative space, that combines business and heart. And that it’s my role, as a leader, to shine a light on this path.
Sunday night gave me a realisation that I’ve earned the right to be here. That I’ve gained an exceptional amount of wisdom and experience along the way and that actually I know exactly what to do. That all of the learning, all of the messiness, all of the pain, up until this point, hasn’t been for nothing - it’s culminated in an opportunity for me to take a deep breath, and step up.
To trust my instincts. To lean into what I know to be true. And to walk down a path that others might not even see. To remain balanced, centred and grounded. To recognise that the magic isn’t out there, it’s within us, within me. And to realise that even if it all fell apart, it would actually be ok.
Here’s what I know for sure. You do not need to be either all business or all heart. You can be both at the same time. You can lead with kindness and with strength. You can be generous & compassionate and you can take no shit.
I woke up this morning with a sense of knowing. With a sense of lightness - because I finally have conviction in my stance in this situation. And all it took was the courage to sit side by side with the ugliness of it all, to have straight up conversations with my demons (and a serious amount of time in the ocean) to finally allow this quiet voice inside to be heard.
So I guess if I have anything useful to share it is this - don’t ever, ever turn the volume down on your intuition. Don’t limit your choices to the ones that others put in front of you. If none of them feel like a good fit, give yourself the time and space to create a new path.
And once you see it clearly, take a deep breath and start walking.